


I've Fallen And I Don't Want To Get Up

by peace_love_happiness



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Asexual Relationship, Fallen Angel Aziraphale (Good Omens), Fallen Angels, Fluff, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19825891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_love_happiness/pseuds/peace_love_happiness
Summary: Aziraphale falls and Crowley is the one who panics.





	1. Chapter 1

Crowley woke up in the middle of the night to his phone ringing. He groaned. Aziraphale was the only person who had his number, and he had a habit of sometimes forgetting that Crowley slept. He would call at early hours in the morning to make plans to eat at a new restaurant or to just chat about whatever book he was reading.

“What is it, angel?” Crowley said blearily, answering the phone.

“Crowley, I’ve- Oh, were you sleeping?” asked Aziraphale.

“Not anymore.”

“This can wait until tomorrow if-”

Crowley interrupted him. “Aziraphale, you called me now. It has to be somewhat important.” 

“Well, you’ve seen I’ve Fallen.”

“Fallen? You’ve called me to say you’ve tripped?”

“No, I mean Fallen with a capital F,” said Aziraphale casually, as if he was talking about the weather. 

Oh. Oh, that was very bad indeed. All tiredness left Crowley and he was instantly wide awake. “I’ll be right over there, just hang tight.”

“Wait-” Crowley heard Aziraphale say, but Crowley had already hung up the phone.

* * *

“Damn it, damn it, damn it!” Crowley sped through the streets of London, hitting his steering wheel. Crowley should’ve known this would happen eventually. Aziraphale was too close to him. Ever since the Apocalypse they’ve spent nearly everyday together. Aziraphale wasn’t a good angel as it was, but that was mainly because of Crowley’s encouragement. He should’ve just ran away after the failed Apocalypse, separated himself from him, yes. God could probably forgive saving the world, but She couldn’t forgive fraternizing with a no-good demon like Crowley. “Why did you do this to him?” he shouted. “He’s the best of your lot by far!” Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe heaven would still be willing to take him back, yes. Crowley could fix this, somehow. He wasn’t sure how, but he would fix it, yes. He would save Aziraphale.

He finally reached the bookstore. Crowley rushed out of the car and into the bookstore, expecting to see Aziraphale on the floor, writhing in pain and despair, or maybe ready to yell at Crowley for doing this to him. Instead, Crowley found him in the backroom, calmly sipping a glass of hot cocoa 

“Aziraphale, are you okay?” he asked. 

“I’m fine, Crowley. What’s the matter?” Aziraphale stood up and walked over to him. 

“What’s the- You Fell, didn’t you? You called me and said you Fell!”

“I did.” Aziraphale unfurled his wings, revealing that the beautiful pure had turned into dull black. Just looking at them made Crowley feel sick. “Look, see? They’re interesting, huh?” Aziraphale glanced at them with a sort of curiosity. “I think I preferred the white ones better, but these aren’t too bad. I’ll get used to them. They’re certainly a bit more striking, don’t you think? Crowley?”

Crowley realized he was gaping and snapped out of it.“Those bastards!” he shouted. “I’ll kill them! I’ll kill the lot of them! We can fix this, Aziraphale. I don’t know how, but I’ll fix this.” 

Aziraphale frowned. “Whatever are you talking about? There’s nothing to fix, Crowley.”

“What do you mean, there’s nothing to fix? You’re a demon now, Aziraphale. A demon.” Corrupted, with God’s love stripped from him. Wrong.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I’m as much of a demon as you are.”

“Exactly,” said Crowley. 

“Sit down, dear. Calm down. I feel like we’re on different pages here.” Aziraphale guided him to the couch and sat besides him. “Just breathe, okay?”

Crowley was breathing. A little too fast, perhaps, but that didn’t matter. “What’s there to misunderstand? You Fell. It’s my fault, you know.”

“Oh, it’s not your fault, Crowley.“ Aziraphale patted him on the hand. “I’ve been expecting to Fall for ages now, even before the Apocalypse. Why, I don’t know why God didn’t throw me out the moment I lost the sword. That happened before I met you.”

“Well, I certainly didn’t help,” said Crowley glumly.

“That may be true, but you didn’t start it. Were you expecting me to be upset? Is that why you rushed over here?” Crowley nodded. “Oh, I don’t mind. I used to find the thought of Falling scary, but I’ve come to realize it’s not all bad over the years.”

“Not too bad?” What was Aziraphale going on about? Falling was the absolute worst thing that could happen to an angel. 

“I mean, it really doesn’t matter now, whether I’m an angel or a demon. You said it yourself. We’re on our own side now.”

“But- But it still hurt though, didn’t it?” Crowley’s Fall hurt. The physical pain was there, sure, a burning that went through his whole body. But it was more than that, that all the love was flowing out of him, leaving nothing but emptiness. Falling was losing his identity, losing his home, losing everything. 

“Not really,” said Aziraphale. “It felt more weird than anything. One second I was reading a book and then there was this funny tingle throughout my whole body. Like when someone hits your funny bone. Not really pleasant, but not really unpleasant either. Besides, it only lasted for a minute or so. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?” asked Aziraphale with utter seriousness. 

“Not too much,” lied Crowley, not wanting to worry him. “It hurt for most, though.”

“Maybe it’s because we more ‘Sauntered Vaguely Downward’ than Fell,” said Aziraphale with a smile. 

There was no such thing as Sauntering Vaguely Downwards. Crowley made that up to make himself feel a bit better about the whole thing. At least Aziraphale wasn’t in any pain. Physically at least. “You have to feel different though, don’t you?”

“I suppose I feel a bit different. I was a little cold at first, but I turned up the heating and now I’m fine. I can’t sense love anymore, but that’s fine. There’s other ways of knowing love than feeling it. ” Aziraphale gave him a pointed look, which Crowley ignored. This was not the time to discuss his (most likely unrequited) feelings, no. There were more pressing matters. Aziraphale was taking this fully in stride. He was too calm about the whole ordeal. He must be in denial, that’s it. Wasn’t that the first stage of grief? That’s it, Aziraphale was in deep, deep denial about the whole thing. He was in shock, that was it.

“It’s okay to be upset about this, Aziraphale,” said Crowley. “You can be upset, angry.”

“Why would I be angry?” asked Aziraphale, sounding genuinely confused. 

Crowley groaned. “God’s abandoned you. She hates you. She thinks you’re evil. She doesn’t love you anymore, you know?” 

“I’m not evil,” said Aziraphale. “And neither are you. Is that what you think, Crowley? That you’re evil.”

“I’m not good,” said Crowley.

“You’re not a hundred percent good, Crowley, but you’re not a hundred percent evil, either. Me and you, we’re just a bit different than the rest, that’s all. Most of the angels are bastards anyway, you know that. If God thinks Gabriel and the like are better than you and I, well, that’s her own fault.”

That’s her own fault for not liking them? That’s not how it works. “Maybe it’s our fault for not being good enough.”

“Oh Crowley, don’t say that.“ Aziraphale looked at him sadly. “Falling wasn’t very good for you, was it?”

“It was a bit rough,” he admitted. “Being cast out of Heaven just because I asked a few questions and hung around Lucifer.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I’m fine. I really am,” assured Aziraphale. “I may have Fallen, but I have you to catch me, don’t I?” Aziraphale beamed at him, all soft and warm. Crowley wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to catch Aziraphale, and was about to tell him so before he turned serious. “Do you think I’ll have to fill paperwork over this?” asked Aziraphale. “I know we’re on our own side now, free agents and everything, but Heaven and Hell will probably still want to know. Oh, I don’t want to fill out paperwork.” 

“I’ll fill out the paperwork for you,” offered Crowley without hesitation. If that was the only thing that was distressing Aziraphale at the moment, he could most certainly do it. 

“Oh thank you, dear!” said Aziraphale. 

“No problem, an-” The familiar term of endearment nearly came out of his mouth. Oh, that wouldn’t work anymore, would it? 

“Oh, you can still call me angel, Crowley. Humans often call each other angel, you know?” Aziraphale nodded. “It’s a sort of pet name.”

Typically a romantic pet name, but Crowley decided against mentioning that. “No, I’ll think of something else.” Aziraphale might be okay now, but Crowley was sure eventually he would realize what had happened and panic. Until then, the best Crowley could do was stay by his side. 


	2. Chapter 2

Indeed, a few days after Aziraphale Fell a large folder filled with paperwork came in the mail, which Azirapahle handed to Crowley with a “thank you dear.” Aziraphale and Crowley had filled out paperwork for each other before, all part of the Arrangement of course. Most of it was quite boring. Mostly forging Aziraphale’s messy signature dozens of times and checking a box here and there. It was meant to be another punishment in a way. If there was one thing that angels and demons could agree on, it was that paperwork sucked. 

Ever since Aziraphale Fell, Crowley had been determined to not let the ex-angel out of his sight. The past week he kept on accidentally falling asleep on his couch. Any second Aziraphale would break down, and Crowley would be there to do what he could. 

Currently Crowley was on Aziraphale’s couch, sprawled out, filling out the paperwork with the use of a clipboard. He had reached a section entitled  _ Reasons For Falling.  _ You could correct the reasons. Crowley briefly wondered if all the reasons were wrong, Aziraphale would unfall. Rise? Was that a thing? Then he saw the first reason.

_ Multiple instances of gluttony. _

It was impossible to deny that. Crowley groaned. One of the seven deadly sins, right there. 

_ Coveting materiel objects. _

Crowley assumed that was talking about Aziraphale’s book collection. But it wasn’t really the material objects Aziraphale was coveting, it was the knowledge. Did Heaven like knowledge? Probably not, whole deal with the apple and all that.

_ Losing the Flaming Sword entrusted by God Herself. _

Oh, that happened six thousand years ago, too late to blame him for that now. Was there some sort of statute of limitations on these things? There had to be, right? He would have to look it up, Maybe Aziraphale would know. 

_ Conspiring with the Adversary for hundreds of years _

Crowley crossed out hundreds and replaced it with thousands. So it was his fault, huh? At least partially. 

_ Having lustful feelings for a demon.  _

Oh come on. Now they were just assuming things. Crowley moved to cross out ‘lustful’ and replace it with ‘perfectly platonic’, when he paused. They were just assuming things, right? Aziraphale didn’t harbor some secret love for him, no. All the pining was just on Crowley’s side. Of course, he couldn’t know that for certain, but what, was he just going to ask Aziraphale if he had some secret crush on him? No, that would be embarrassing. Besides, be Aziraphale’s feelings for him romantic or not, it changed nothing. Being friendly with a demon was still enough for him to fall. It would change nothing. 

Crowley looked over. Aziraphale was calmly readng a book at a desk, like nothing wrong was going on, like everything was normal.

“Want to go out for lunch, er, ol’ chum?” asked Crowley.

“Oh, I don’t like that at all,” said Aziraphale. Crowley had been trying out nicknames beside angel. Aziraphale had rejected pal, buddy, friend, and bro. Aziraphale hadn’t talked to him for an hour after the last one. He was starting to run out of friendly ones. 

“You're just being picky. Lunch or not?”

“Of course!” said Aziraphale.

* * *

“I have a few clarifications about the paperwork, Aziraphale," asked Crowley. Aziraphale was having a piece of strawberry shortcake. Crowley was having a coffee, black. He couldn’t stop thinking about the goddamn paperwork. He had to ask Aziraphale/

“Like what?”

Better start out with the smaller thing. “Do you know if Heaven has a statute of limitations, you know, where you can no longer be charged for a crime after a long enough time. As they put the whole deal with the sword as one of the reasons that you Fell and that happened six thousand years ago.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Aziraphale shrugged. “I’m not that much into law. Losing the flaming sword is a big enough sin that I’m sure the stature never runs out for it. I mean, for humans the statute never runs out for murder. That sword has caused much murder.” Aziraphale nodded and took a bite of the shortcake. “Are you sure you don’t want any?”

“I’m sure.. One more question that I have. Well, it’s not a question, really. It’s just a funny thing they put on here. It says one of your reasons for falling is ‘having lustful feelings for a demon’ I’m assuming they’re referring to me, unless there’s some other demon you hang out with. That’s wrong, isn’t it?”

“Oh dear,” said Aziraphale. 

“I know, the things people assume, am I right?”

“Right, I don’t feel lust for you. My feelings for you aren’t sexual,”

“Exactly.” Crowley nodded. Aziraphale didn’t love him, not like that at least. They were merely friends.

“They’re, well…” Aziraphale hesitated. 

“I believe the word you’re looking for is platonic,” said Crowley.

“No, not that. Well...” Aziraphale bit his lip. “They’re merely romantic, I suppose.”

“What?” He didn’t- Crowley misheard, right? 

Aziraphale took another bite of his strawberry shortcake. “You really must try this dear, it’s absolutely decadent.”

“I don’t like sweet things, you know that. What’s this about romance?”

“I suppose there’s no point in hiding these things anymore. I do love you, Crowley, you know?”

“What?” Crowley said again. 

There was Aziraphale, across from him with a nervous little smile saying things that Crowley had only dreamed about. The world seemed to slow down. Maybe Crowley was making it slow down subconsciously, he couldn’t tell. This couldn’t be real. Aziraphale didn’t love him before the apocowhoops. He was just latching onto him because he was the only thing he had left, yes. What stage of grief would that be? Bargaining, perhaps? Trying to make the best out of the things you were stuck with? 

Panic surged through Crowley. He wasn’t prepared to deal with this. 

“I gotta go,” he said, standing up.

“Where?”

“I gotta- I gotta finish your paperwork.”

“What’s with the rush?”

“I-I’m behind schedule, it’s due in a week,” said Crowley. That was a lie, he was nearly done with it. He just needed to get out.

“Well then, I’ll come with you. I’m sure we can get a to-go box for the cake.”

“Ah, no,” said Crowley. “I need to head back to the flat too, got some plants to yell at, you know.” Aziraphale opened his mouth, probably to offer to go along. “I really have to go, er…” He looked at Aziraphale’s cake. “Sweetheart.” Not a platonic nickname. 

“I don’t mind-” started Aziraphale. 

“Bye!” Crowley ran out of the restaurant.

* * *

Crowley yelled at the plants for a good hour before deciding what he needed was some sleep. He woke up in the middle of the night from a vivid dream where instead of Ligur, Aziraphale walked through his door, Aziraphale got a bucket of holy water dunk on him, disintegrating into a pile of goo, gone forever. 

Crowley woke up and panicked. Hellfire was hard to come by. You had to go to Hell itself to get it. Holy water was just laying out in any old church. Anyone could walk up and take it. You didn’t even need a heist, Crowley only tried that because he was feeling lonely and wanted to see if Aziraphale would come and yell at him, tell him it was too dangerous, pay him attention for a few minutes before leaving his life again. Instead he had handed him the holy water and Crowley fell even more in love.

Gabriel and those other angel bastards could be trying to kill Aziraphale right now. Maybe that was the plan. Kick him out of Heaven and then murder him. 

He had to check to see if his angel was safe, yes. Something, anything could’ve happened while he was gone. He would just go, check real quick, and come back here and mope. Maybe Aziraphale would realize he didn’t actually love Crowley if they had some distance.

* * *

Crowley went into stealth mode and turned into a snake, sneaking into Aziraphale’s bookstore through a crack in the roof. He slunk amongst the bookshelves and spotted Aziraphale. He was slumped down on his desk. Was he hurt? Crying? Crowley got closer No, the angel was breathing steady. He was sleepng? Aziraphale didn’t sleep. Maybe he was trying to forget. 

He curled up on a book and watched him. His angel. Not angel. 

Crowley watched Aziraphale for a few hours, frantic with nerves. Eventually Aziraphale stirred awake and looked around. Time for Crowley to leave, clearly. He moved to sneak out. 

“I know you’re there,” said Aziraphal, looking in his direction.

Crowley jumped, or at least as much a snake could. He hissed. “How?” he said, peering out of the bookshelf.

“We’ve been around each other long enough. I just know. Besides, I was wondering if you would come by. That crack in the store is just the right size for you on purpose, you know.”

Crowley did not know that. Why Aziraphale would have that big of a flaw in security was beyond him. Anyone who could get that small could sneak in. He slithered over to Aziraphale’s desk. “Asssssiraphale,” he hissed. “Why are you ssssleeping?”

“I thought I would try it out. You seem to be quite fond of it. I don’t get it myself. Just a load of nothing. There’s no point. There’s so much you can get done in the time. I could’ve read an entire book,” he said wistfully. 

Crowley turned back into a human and leaned against Aziraphale’s desk.”That’s the point. You don’t have to think about anything. You get to relax. Most of the time.”

“Most of the time?”

“Dreams. Nightmares. You know.” Crowley shrugged.

“Is that why you’re here now? Did you have a nightmare?” asked Aziraphale/

“I was just checking up on you, that’s all. Making sure you’re safe.”

“Making sure I’m safe?” Crowley nodded. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be safe?”

“You never know. Holy water can hurt you now, Heaven might try again to, you know. Kill you Maybe even Hell. You never know.”

“Is that why you’ve been staying over here the last week?”

“What? I haven’t- That hasn’t been on purpose. I just keep on falling asleep. Accidentally.”

Aziraphale simply gave him a knowing smile. 

Crowley scowled. “Fine, I may have been trying to be a supporting friend and helping you in your time of need.”

“I think it’s sweet how much you’ve been worrying about me. I really am fine though, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. If the angels wanted to kill me, they would’ve already tried it.”

That was a good point. It’s not like Crowley could do anything to stop them. He would try, sure, but he couldn’t fight. 

“I should go,” said Crowley, ready to walk out. Aziraphale grabbed his arm. 

“Oh, do stay. I missed you tonight. Things are so much better with your company.” The angel paused and got a huge smile on his face. “We should live together, Crowley! You could move in here properly.” 

“Live together?” said Crowley, feeling like he had skipped a part of the conversation.

“Oh yes, that would be fun, don’t you think?”

“Fun?”

“You stay over here so much anyway. Or maybe I could stay at your place. I really don’t mind. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about me. ”

Crowley pulled away from Aziraphale. “All right, something’s definitely up with you today.”

“What do you mean?” asked Aziraphale, frowning.

“Confessing your love all the sudden and saying we should move in together. See, this is why I say that you’re not fine. It’s finally hitting you, isn’t it? The fact that you’re a demon?”

“I accepted that the moment I fell, Crowley. Why do you think that?”

“As you don’t actually love me. It’s some coping mechanism because I’m the only thing you’ve got left. Me and this bookshop.”

“Crowley. I loved you before I Fell,” said Aziraphale. “This isn’t new.”

Crowley felt hurt. He never knew Aziraphale to lie, “No, you didn’t! You spent the last six thousand years barely tolerating me, and now you’re in love with me? It’s preposterous. Why, just a few weeks ago you said you didn’t like me, and the world was ending then. You certainly don’t love me now.” 

“I’m sorry Crowley,” said Aziraphale, wringing his hands. “I was scared. Of what Heaven and Hell would do to us. They, they probably would’ve killed us, you know? But now there’s nothing stopping us. We can do what we want.”

Oh, this was nonsense. “You don’t even know if I love you back. Maybe I don’t. I’ve just been tempting you this whole time. One of the reasons you Fell was for conspiring with me.”

“I know you love me, Crowley. I could feel it when I was an angel. I may not be able to do anymore, but I can still tell.”

“How?”

“You rush over here in the middle of the night to check on me, you do my paperwork, you still look at me the same.”

“How’s that?”

“Like I’m the greatest thing in the world. I know I’ve been cruel to you over the millenium now, but I do love you back. There’s nothing I like more than spending time with you, and if that was one of the reasons I Fell, then so be it.””

Crowley felt a bit sick. He knew he hadn’t exactly been subtle about his feelings over the years, but Aziraphale always played oblivious. The fact he knew all the time… And he claimed to feel the same way back… It was a bit terrifying.

“I- I don’t know. Do you ever pray, Aziraphale?”

“Not in the traditional way. I called up the Metatron when the Apocalypse was happening, of course. But I don’t really bother.”

“Why not?” asked Crowley.

“I don’t think God really listens. She gets an awful lot, of prayers you know? She can’t deal with every problem that comes her way. It’s useless.”

“I still pray, you know,” said Crowley.

“You do?” Aziraphale sounded surprised.

“Not often, but I do. I prayed during the Apocalypse, I prayed when you Fell. Does She ever do anything, no.”

“It’s-”

“Don’t say ‘ineffable.’ What does that even mean, ‘ineffable’? Another Apocalypse will come someday. Who knows, maybe She’ll try and destroy the entire universe next time. Then we wouldn’t even be able to run off to Alpha Centauri.” 

“Well, She made us to stop the first one. I’m sure she’ll have someone to stop the second one.”

“She didn’t make us to stop the apocalypse! She doesn’t even like us. She abandoned us,” said Crowley.

“Why do you care so much about what She thinks?”

“She shouldn’t have the authority to judge, but she does it anyway. We’re- I think we’re good, but She says we’re not. You are- Were the best angel. That’s undeniable. So what do we have to do to get Her acceptance? Be- Be like those stucked-up angels?”

Aziraphale thought for a moment. “You say She doesn’t like us, right? But we’re not evil not by human standards. Not even by Biblical standards, really. Maybe angel and demon doesn’t necessarily mean good and evil. I mean, I wouldn’t consider Gabriel good.”

“Then what’s the difference?” asked Crowley. “Why separate us into two different groups?”

“I- I’m sure there’s some reason,” said Aziraphale. “I mean, it’s not like the seven deadly sins are all that bad, right? There’s nothing wrong with gluttony or sloth or lust as long as you don’t overindulge in them. Maybe demons are just more willing to do those things. Be rebels.” Crowley shook his head. Aziraphale continued. “Listen, Crowley. If you never Fell, then we would’ve never met. Some other demon would’ve been sent to Earth, maybe one that was actually evil. It wouldn’t have tempted me into saving the Earth, that’s for sure. You Falling, Crowley, saved people. Clearly it was meant to be.”

“You could think that way, yes. But maybe, maybe she planned it that way.”

“But why have an apocalypse in the first place? Why bother with a test if she made everything to be a certain way?”

“It was more for the humans than us. God doesn’t have as much control over them.”

“Sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me,” said Crowley.

“Well, there’s no use brooding on it. We will never know what she thinks, we just have to have faith that she’s not completely evil.” Crowley didn’t have much faith in God at all. He could pretend at least for Aziraphale. “Do you have faith in me?” Aziraphale asked. “I will be fine, especially with you by my side.” 

“I’ll be there for as long as you want me. I just don’t want you to make a mistake, that’s all. I mean, how long have you loved me for?” 

“Oh I don’t know,” said Aziraphale. “I didn’t really fall in love with you all at once. I sort of sauntered vaguely towards you, I suppose. It realized that I loved you when I blew up that church, I can tell you that much.”

That was sooner than Crowley would’ve guessed. “I saved you dozens of times before then.”

“Well, yes, but we hadn’t spoken for such a long time, and yet you came. Looking out for me.” Aziraphale smiled. “When did you fall in love with me?” 

“You told me that you gave away the flaming sword.”

“Really?” said Aziraphale. Crowley nodded. “Oh. That’s a long time.”

“Yep,” said Crowley. 

“Do you want to move in here with me? Or we could go to your flat.”

Crowley shook his head. “This bookstore has always been more of a home to me than mine than mine, an… Er...” Crowley hesitated. He was no longer stuck with platonic nicknames. There was a whole world opened to him.

“I liked sweetheart earlier,” said Aziraphale.

“I said that accidentally.”

“Well, I thought it was cute.”

“Fine, sweetheart,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale smiled. “See? It’s perfectt.”

* * *

~~_ Having  _ _ lustful feelings  _ ~~ _ is dating and in love with a demon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over a month later, here you have it. Yeah, the first chapter got a ton of response. I hope this one lives up to our expectations. 
> 
> Tumblr [here](https://peace-love-happiness.tumblr.com).

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a oneshot, but then I got an idea for a second chapter, so stay tuned folks. 
> 
> Follow my [tumblr](https://peace-love-happiness.tumblr.com/) if you dare.


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